Miscarriage--How do I say goodbye...when I didn't get to say hello?

This past weekend we attended the baptism of our niece, Addison, at Lutheran Church of Hope. I was so honored and proud to be part of Addison’s special day as one of her sponsors, but I wasn’t expecting the flood of emotion I would feel walking back into Lutheran Church of Hope. Truthfully, I haven’t been back to any church (not even for Christmas) since May. The last time I was there was for my other niece’s baptism…five days after my miscarriage AND on Mother’s Day. So, as you can see….I haven’t been able to bring myself back to church since my miscarriage.

Here is my miscarriage story…

April 2010: We had been trying to conceive for over two years and I was finally on the verge of giving up. This was our seventh month using Clomid (a fertility drug to induce ovulation) and it was our last “try” using it. I had gotten my hopes up every single month only to get slapped with a big negative pregnancy test (or sometimes three! yes…I would convince myself that the test was wrong and would retake it again and again). I had spent hundreds of dollars to pee on a stick and had finally vowed to not take another pregnancy test ever again (or so I thought).

So we lived our lives. Had fun! Went out with friends and probably drank one too many drinks at times. The day I thought I should have my period came…and went. I told myself I am not taking another pregnancy test! Then the days kept passing by. For once I hadn’t convinced myself that I was pregnant. I didn’t get my hopes up this month.

April 29th: Finally, on day 38 of my cycle, I gave in and took one more pregnancy test. I did it in the morning before I showered and then continued to get ready without reading the results because I just knew it would be another negative test. As I was about to go downstairs I picked it up and it was POSITIVE! I couldn’t believe it! FINALLY!! Of course I had planned out in my head 100 times before how I would break the news to Andrew, but now that I FINALLY got a positive test I just ran downstairs to show him. Not exactly what I had planned…but oh well…we are pregnant!!!

Called the fertility clinic to cancel our appointment (we were supposed to have our first appointment with Dr. Young to discuss our infertility). I was so excited that we weren’t going to need to go to the fertility doctor after all (or so I thought). Called my doctor to tell them the good news…scheduled a doctor appointment for May 17th to find out if it is twins!! Called the allergist to see if I could still take my allergy meds. Stopped drinking caffeine. Signed up for “weekly baby update” emails. Looked up when our due date would be (January 1st…my dad’s birthday). Kept my pregnancy a secret.

Tuesday, May 4th: Andrew went off to work and I was home with the daycare kids. Shortly after breakfast I went to the bathroom and noticed I was bleeding a little. My heart sank! What is happening to me? Immediately I started asking “Dr Google” all of my questions (like he was going to tell me something positive!).

At 9:58am I wrote Andrew an email that said “I think I am just being paranoid but I had a little bleeding today ??? I took another pregnancy test and it still says positive. I will call the doc today and see what is up. Hope you’re having a good day! Love you!”

10:02 Andrew wrote: “I've been paranoid too, so I understand your concern. I'm glad the test came up positive again. Call the doc and see what they say. Love, Andrew”

So, I called the doctor and they told me to come in for a blood test on Wednesday and then again on Friday to check my levels. They told me that spotting can happen so it is probably no big deal. It was a big deal! The bleeding didn’t stop. I continued to bleed and go about my day with five kids at my feet. When their parents came to pick them up I informed them of what might be happening and that I had to go to the doctor in the morning and Andrew would be watching the kids. We carried on with our day and hoped for the best. Andrew went to softball that evening and I sat in the bathtub and cried….and wept….and cried….and yelled…and screamed... and sobbed until I couldn’t feel any more. I knew I was having a miscarriage. I didn’t need a test to tell me. I could feel that the baby was gone. The cramping was unbearable pain, but a broken heart was so much worse! Andrew held me in his arms that night as we both cried and grieved alone. No one knew about our baby but us. We were the only people who were going to miss this child.

Wednesday, May 5th: I had to wake up early the next morning after little sleep to call all of my daycare families to tell them that I was having a miscarriage and I couldn’t watch their children that day. I had never called in sick before. Those were difficult phone calls to make…especially when two out of the three husbands answered. Then I called my mom. That was the most difficult phone call yet! I said “Mom...I am pregnant” and before I could get the rest out she said “that is great!” and then I said “but I am having a miscarriage!” I could tell she was trying to be strong but I could hear her start to cry and of course I was unable to speak by this point. I just wanted my mom with me, but she was 4 hours away. Immediately she started driving towards Des Moines.

I laid in bed for a couple more hours until the doctors office opened. I called them to tell them what happened and of course my doctor was gone so I had to go downtown to the hospital to meet with the “on-call” doctor. Andrew and I went to the hospital Ob-Gyn clinic and waited in the waiting room. Pregnant women were everywhere. I just wanted to scream “I AM HAVING A MISCARRIAGE!” at the top of my lungs so that people would know that I am hurting…I am not happy like you! We are supposed to be sitting in this waiting room in a few weeks to hear our babies heart beat…and we won’t get to! At one point I wanted to start throwing some punches when a teenage girl walked into the waiting room with her baby’s ultrasound picture. She was surrounded by two of her other teenage girl friends and then continued to call her baby-daddy on the phone to tell him the sex. REALLY??? YOU get a baby???? AND I DON’T??? I have a loving husband! I have a job! I have a house! I have a PLAN!

When we finally met with the doctor I had to have an uncomfortable internal ultrasound done to confirm that I was having a miscarriage. Then, I had to go get a blood test done….just to confirm it more...great! I don’t remember much else from that day. I was numb. The world continued even though I didn’t think that mine would.

Thursday, May 6th: I woke up like any other day and had to “move on” with my life. I told my daycare families that I still wanted to watch their children that day to help keep my mind off things. My mom helped me out a ton with the kids because I am sure I could barely function. A miscarriage doesn’t happen over night….the bleeding and the painful cramping continued for well over a week. That was the worst part….a constant reminder that I am losing my baby.

Saturday, May 8th: My nephew’s third birthday party. Everyone is celebrating…but it is difficult for me to do.

Sunday, May 9th: Mother’s Day. I am supposed to be pregnant right now. I was supposed to be a mother. But I am not. Now I have to pull myself out of bed, get dressed, go to the Mother’s Day service at church, and then be my nieces sponsor at her baptism. That is asking a lot from me right now because I can barely function! I was dreading going to church…seeing all those happy mothers and their 18,000 children (or so it seemed). This church is HUGE so it seemed like every other person was pregnant. As we walked into church the attendants were handing out flowers to mothers (ouch…big kick in the stomach). Before the service even began I was in tears. My family knew how difficult it was for me to be there. I was on the verge of running out of church screaming because I was expecting the pastor to give a sermon all about how wonderful mothers are. But he had his own twist on it….God must’ve been talking to him that day because he talked about more than just mothers. He really did a great job and even made it a point to talk about mother’s who have lost their children from miscarriage or death. God was watching over that service for sure.

I made it through the baptism and the rest of the day pretty well, but I was exhausted….physically and emotionally. I don’t really know why I haven’t been back to church since that day. I was angry at God for a really long time. Then I was guilty for being angry at God. And now…I just need to make that next step and trust Him again. I appreciate all of your prayers for us….because honestly…I haven’t been able to pray for us in a very long time. Hopefully someday soon that day will come.


I did not write this, but wanted to post a poem I found on a pregnancy loss website.

How do I say goodbye ... when I didn't get to say hello?
I want so bad to keep you ... how do I let you go?
I have so many dreams, so much love I want to share
There's nothing I can do ...why is life unfair?
You're my perfect angel...I dreamed you long ago
I never got to hold you but it breaks my heart to let you go
The pain and confusion I feel inside
I can not explain...I can not describe
God will rock you in your cradle and watch you as you sleep
I will love you in my heart ... it's all I get to keep
you are blessed my child ... you're in heaven up above
You'll never be alone...you have Mommy & Daddy's love
Hush my little baby...you need not ever cry
You were always wanted! I wish you didn't die
You'll be my sunshine in the daylight and the brightest star at night
Reach for God's hand and go to the light
I would rather endure the pain of losing you right now
Then the thought of you suffering thru life...we'll get thru somehow
I was blessed to have you briefly...even though I have to let you go