Drug free pregnancy!!

After 136+ shots in my butt, arm, thighs, and stomach.....we are officially done with shots!!!! Friday was a big night for us because after 6 months of fertility drugs....we are finally done and PREGNANT!!!

I looked at our calendar and over the past few months here are all the drugs I have taken to get us to this point....

-42 birth control pills to help regulate my cycle
-116 baby aspirin to thin my blood and prevent blood clots
-46 Lupron shots in my thigh to quiet my ovaries to prevent early release of eggs
-28 doxycycline pills to prevent infection
-7 Flagyl pills to prevent bacterial vaginosis which can cause early miscarriage
-6 methylprednisolone pills to decrease my natural immune reaction system to help with implantation of the embryo
-9 Repronex shots in the thigh to help produce lots of eggs!
-9 Follistim shots in my arm to help produce more mature eggs
-2 Ovidrel (hCG) shots to release the eggs from the follicles before egg retrieval
-24 Vivelle patches to balance my estrogen and progesterone levels
-1 Prometrium suppository to relax my uterus prior to embryo transfer
-1 Valium pill for anxiety
-16 Zofran pills for nausea
-? hydrocodine pills for pain after egg retrieval
-180 Prenatal vitamins (I am still taking these)
-70 progesterone oil shots in my butt to maintain the endometrium to prevent miscarriage

PLUS

-20+ blood draws
-10+ internal ultrasounds
-1 painful egg retrieval
-AND 1 perfect embryo transfer!!!

Andrew has been an amazing nurse for me and is a pro at giving shots now. There were a few nights that I told him he was the "worst shot-giver ever", but it was usually because I was bleeding a lot and was fighting back tears...he knows I didn't really mean it :) In his defense, the progesterone oil shots were getting really difficult to give the past month because my upper butt area is so calloused and bruised from repeated shots. The progesterone oil shot was one where I had to ice before the shot, then it took about a minute to inject because it is an oil, and then I had to heat the area after to break up the oil. We are so thankful to be done with that shot and have our evenings back! No more 9:30 curfew to do shots!!

Speaking of...we have had to do shots in some interesting places. Since we had to do shots at a certain time each night (9:30)...we had to get creative when we were out on the town. One time we were on a party bus and had to shoot up in the back of someones car. Another time I was at the bar and had to shoot up in the bathroom. We shot up a lot a friend's houses. AND we even took our drugs to the fair...but decided we didn't really want to shoot up in the corner of the midway...so we went home early :)


Here is a picture of me at the bar with my spider man and Barbie ice packs since the drugs have to be kept cold. I had to get creative :)

I will admit, I am a little nervous to be drug-free. My body has been dependent on them for 6 months....I hope my body knows what to do to sustain and maintain a healthy pregnancy. We had our 12 week ultrasound on Thursday and everything looks great so far!

Let us know if you want to get together...we would love to hang out (and we don't have a curfew anymore :)

Infertility survivors guilt

Infertility survivor’s guilt. Sounds crazy…I know…but I think I am experiencing it. I almost don’t want to write about this because I feel like I am going to jinx my pregnancy…but I have to get this off my chest. I am so grateful to be pregnant with our two precious babies, but that doesn’t mean that a part of me doesn’t feel guilty.

-I feel guilty that my blog will inevitably shift from an infertility blog….to our baby blog. I know I have blog followers out there who are “still in the trenches” of infertility and I feel bad. Does it offend them that I talk about my pregnancy?

- Morning sickness has been in full force for a few weeks now. Nausea ALL DAY long…which is never easy to deal with when you have three almost two year olds running circles around me. I feel guilty because Dora the Explorer has come to my rescue a few times lately.

-Andrew has been a trooper! He has done everything for me the past few weeks. When he gets home at 5:00….I crash! He prepares all of our evening meals and has been doing the grocery shopping too (makes me sick to go to the store right now!). He has been an amazing husband and I am so lucky to have such a sensitive, caring guy!

-I feel guilty that Andrew doesn’t have a social life anymore. Seems like the weekends are spent at home (with me lying on the couch). Apparently people stop calling you to hang out when they find out you are expecting. I can be a fun preggo lady…I promise!!

-I feel guilty because I struggle to trust my body. It “didn’t work right” for 4 years, with no explanation as to why….so why should I believe that it knows how to nourish and support TWO babies?

-I feel guilty for getting pregnant with twins the “unnatural way” …like somehow I have undermined or stolen something from those women who have gotten pregnant with twins naturally. Why do I deserve twins?

-I was in the “infertility club” for so many years and now I feel guilty being out of it and leaving others who are still suffering behind. It’s not fair. Why does the “infertility club” have to exist?? It is a club that no one wants to be in….yet so many couples are in.

-Why me? I am having a difficult time accepting the fact that this is our time. We have spent sooo many years waiting to get pregnant….and I now I feel guilty for being pregnant?!? Why me….and not my friend who is going through IVF too? Why me…and not my other friend who has had 5+ miscarriages? Why me…and not my other friend who has tried to have a baby for 7 years? Why me??

-I feel guilty because I can’t even talk to my friends who are still battling infertility. The most difficult thing is for them to see a pregnant lady (I understand)…so why would they want to see me? I just want to shout out to them “I haven’t joined the ‘other side’. I STILL know what you are going through. I STILL understand!”

-I feel guilty about complaining. In fact…I feel like I have no right to complain about anything during this pregnancy and beyond. I asked, I begged, I prayed, I paid (in my heart and with my checkbook), I hired intervention, I defied nature to have these babies…..I brought this upon myself. I have no right to complain about anything. But sometimes I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. Is that so wrong?? But I don’t and I won’t…I feel too guilty.

Even though I am pregnant…I am not cured…I am still infertile. My feelings of infertility will ever go away. Infertility has scarred my heart and I will never forget…
• What reading a negative pregnancy test month after month feels like
• Feeling hopeful and then having it all taken away
• Sitting across from doctors and them not having an answer for you
• Climbing into stirrups over and over again
• Waiting, waiting, waiting
• Seeing someone else’s growing family and yearning for my own
• Feeling like I can’t do it anymore
• Doing all the right things—seeing a specialist, following their directions, ingesting and injecting every medication prescribed—and still failing at becoming pregnant cycle after cycle.
• Seeing the helplessness in Andrew’s eyes—he wanted to cure every problem…but there was nothing that could be done to help me
• Crying in my husbands arms
• Feeling like I will never reach the end goal
• The pain and agony of losing a child to miscarriage...he/she was a tiny soul inside me, but will always have a big place in my heart


I am sooooo thrilled to be pregnant BUT I feel like I am not enjoying my pregnancy to the fullest (or at all!) because guilt is holding me back. My heart is constantly tormented by the pull between the two…happiness and guilt. I want to move on and be happy and celebrate my pregnancy, but at the same time….my wounds are still fresh, my heart still hurts, and what about those who I have “left behind”? I want to start blogging about every joy, blessing and happy moment, but I don’t want to hurt any feelings. As my blog posts turn from infertility to “baby news”…please remember that I understand…I’ve been there…and I will NEVER forget.