Infertility survivors guilt

Infertility survivor’s guilt. Sounds crazy…I know…but I think I am experiencing it. I almost don’t want to write about this because I feel like I am going to jinx my pregnancy…but I have to get this off my chest. I am so grateful to be pregnant with our two precious babies, but that doesn’t mean that a part of me doesn’t feel guilty.

-I feel guilty that my blog will inevitably shift from an infertility blog….to our baby blog. I know I have blog followers out there who are “still in the trenches” of infertility and I feel bad. Does it offend them that I talk about my pregnancy?

- Morning sickness has been in full force for a few weeks now. Nausea ALL DAY long…which is never easy to deal with when you have three almost two year olds running circles around me. I feel guilty because Dora the Explorer has come to my rescue a few times lately.

-Andrew has been a trooper! He has done everything for me the past few weeks. When he gets home at 5:00….I crash! He prepares all of our evening meals and has been doing the grocery shopping too (makes me sick to go to the store right now!). He has been an amazing husband and I am so lucky to have such a sensitive, caring guy!

-I feel guilty that Andrew doesn’t have a social life anymore. Seems like the weekends are spent at home (with me lying on the couch). Apparently people stop calling you to hang out when they find out you are expecting. I can be a fun preggo lady…I promise!!

-I feel guilty because I struggle to trust my body. It “didn’t work right” for 4 years, with no explanation as to why….so why should I believe that it knows how to nourish and support TWO babies?

-I feel guilty for getting pregnant with twins the “unnatural way” …like somehow I have undermined or stolen something from those women who have gotten pregnant with twins naturally. Why do I deserve twins?

-I was in the “infertility club” for so many years and now I feel guilty being out of it and leaving others who are still suffering behind. It’s not fair. Why does the “infertility club” have to exist?? It is a club that no one wants to be in….yet so many couples are in.

-Why me? I am having a difficult time accepting the fact that this is our time. We have spent sooo many years waiting to get pregnant….and I now I feel guilty for being pregnant?!? Why me….and not my friend who is going through IVF too? Why me…and not my other friend who has had 5+ miscarriages? Why me…and not my other friend who has tried to have a baby for 7 years? Why me??

-I feel guilty because I can’t even talk to my friends who are still battling infertility. The most difficult thing is for them to see a pregnant lady (I understand)…so why would they want to see me? I just want to shout out to them “I haven’t joined the ‘other side’. I STILL know what you are going through. I STILL understand!”

-I feel guilty about complaining. In fact…I feel like I have no right to complain about anything during this pregnancy and beyond. I asked, I begged, I prayed, I paid (in my heart and with my checkbook), I hired intervention, I defied nature to have these babies…..I brought this upon myself. I have no right to complain about anything. But sometimes I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. Is that so wrong?? But I don’t and I won’t…I feel too guilty.

Even though I am pregnant…I am not cured…I am still infertile. My feelings of infertility will ever go away. Infertility has scarred my heart and I will never forget…
• What reading a negative pregnancy test month after month feels like
• Feeling hopeful and then having it all taken away
• Sitting across from doctors and them not having an answer for you
• Climbing into stirrups over and over again
• Waiting, waiting, waiting
• Seeing someone else’s growing family and yearning for my own
• Feeling like I can’t do it anymore
• Doing all the right things—seeing a specialist, following their directions, ingesting and injecting every medication prescribed—and still failing at becoming pregnant cycle after cycle.
• Seeing the helplessness in Andrew’s eyes—he wanted to cure every problem…but there was nothing that could be done to help me
• Crying in my husbands arms
• Feeling like I will never reach the end goal
• The pain and agony of losing a child to miscarriage...he/she was a tiny soul inside me, but will always have a big place in my heart


I am sooooo thrilled to be pregnant BUT I feel like I am not enjoying my pregnancy to the fullest (or at all!) because guilt is holding me back. My heart is constantly tormented by the pull between the two…happiness and guilt. I want to move on and be happy and celebrate my pregnancy, but at the same time….my wounds are still fresh, my heart still hurts, and what about those who I have “left behind”? I want to start blogging about every joy, blessing and happy moment, but I don’t want to hurt any feelings. As my blog posts turn from infertility to “baby news”…please remember that I understand…I’ve been there…and I will NEVER forget.