Infertility is…
- a taboo topic that no one talks about BUT I can’t stop thinking about!
- consuming my every thought
- taking over our lives
- making me crazy (literally!) I have been on fertility drugs since Oct. 2009…what would I be like off of them?? I can’t remember!
Infertility is...
- losing intimacy and passion for pills, shots and doctors
- putting off vacations and events because you have to schedule around treatments
- dreading another doctor visit, blood draw, phone call….
- trying and doing crazy things I never thought we would do (drinking nasty teas, eating silly foods, not sitting in hot tubs, not putting a cell phone in his pocket, not wearing tight shorts, not riding a bike, etc.)
Infertility is...
- looking at the calendar every month to figure out when your due date would be “this time”
- suffering the two week wait over and over
- getting your hopes up every month, just to be crushed a little harder each time
- getting slapped in the face with a BIG FAT negative pregnancy test over and over again (I have spent $100’s of dollars on these stupid things!)
Infertility is...
- feeling alone even in a crowd
- being angry when people complain about their children and childbirth experiences….AT LEAST you have kids!
- questioning whether I can be around friends or family because I might have a “meltdown” or say something I might regret
- being out with friends and having to go to the bathroom to cry because I can’t handle the “baby talk”
- friends acting different around you because they just don’t know what to say
- making me question every friendship I have
Infertility is...
- finding out your friend/sister/sister-in-law/cousin/etc. is pregnant and not having the heart to congratulate her
- dreading family get-togethers because I can barely stand to see all the happy children (that I LOVE SO MUCH!)….but where are my happy children??
- your heart breaking knowing you will never get to see your child that you lost from a miscarriage
- watching your husband play with other children and wishing we could have our own
Infertility is...
- wanting to fall apart if one more person says…
-“Everything happens for a reason”—really? What is the reason then?
-“It will happen at the right time”—what is wrong with right NOW???
-“God doesn’t give you more than you can handle.”—I don’t know how much more I can handle!
-“At least you know you can get pregnant since it happened once”—One time in three years??? I don’t like the odds!
-“It will happen!”—Well, what if it doesn’t???
-“You are still young”—Exactly! This SHOULD be easy for someone my age!
Infertility is...
- stealing pieces of ME…I am not as hopeful and positive as I once was
- making me jealous!
- feeling out of control…I can’t plan anything. Everything is in the doctor’s hands…not mine.
Infertility is...
- not wanting to go to church because I don’t want to see all the happy families and children there
- wondering what I did wrong to deserve this? Why me God?
- testing my faith…has God turned His back on me?
- making me feel guilty that I am questioning God’s love for me
Infertility is...
- making me realize I am stronger than I thought
- making me want to help other people who are going through the same thing or may have to go through it someday
- realizing that I have the most wonderful, supportive, caring, sensitive, loving husband in the whole world!
- making me fall in love with my husband more because of the trials we have faced together!
6 comments:
Hey Sara, this is Melissa Parks! I just wanted to let you know that I just read this for the first time. I had no idea that you were going through this. Just by starting this blog, you are a lot stronger than you probably think you are! I am praying for you and your husband
Thanks Melissa! It is difficult to write, but I know it will make me feel better in the end. Someday I will look back and see this as a small bump in the road.
Sara, my heart aches for you and Andrew. What can I say other than I have witnessed miracles I never thought I would see. And I will pray every day out loud that you are blessed with the family you long for. HAVE FAITH! We love you both. Amy M.
Oh Sara!!! This brought me to tears!!! I know what it is like to lose a child from a miscarriage...Brad and I have had six miscarriage and one in the last two monthes. Brad and I have been blessed with a miracle when Paige was a success. I have no words to make you feel better because I don't think there really is any. Just know that if you need anything we are here. Jodie H
Sara,
I am sobbing as I read your posts. Brett and I had several miscarriages before we were successful with Brynn. You are right; infertility is way more common than people realize. It is lonely when you think it is just you.
There is no words to describe the pain you are going through. I'd love to tell you I understand or I can empathize, but I cannot. I can only tell you I am proud of you for sharing and trying to heal. In the process, I hope you realize you are helping others feel more comfortable and less alone.
PPL,
Ashley (Meyer) Delaney
Writing is great for the soul, Sara. You keep writing and I'll keep reading!
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