How is a baby made?

Andrew and I had our IVF (in-vitro fertilization) class yesterday at our fertility clinic. Yes…apparently there is a class for that. Yes…I learned how my baby is going to be created. Yes…I learned all the crazy drugs and shots I have to take the next 2 months. And yes…I am dreading it!

We sat in the waiting room of the fertility clinic with five other couples waiting for the class to begin. The guy behind me whispered loudly to his wife "why is everyone so quiet? It's not like we are at a funeral or anything!" That struck me...rubbed me the wrong way. Yes...in a way I am "mourning" the loss of not having a child on our own. Infertility is a lot like the steps in the grieving process...denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance (I may have to write a post about that!)

Once the class began we listened to a woman tell us what we were going to go through over the next 8 weeks. She referred to each of us as a “case”…nothing like being a statistic, right? She began her slideshow by showing us pictures of the doctors, nursing staff and the lab techs. I got to “meet” (well, see a picture) of the people who are going to make our baby. As she “introduced’ us to the embryologists (the people in the lab handling all the stuff) I sat there thinking “Wow…this is all in their hands!”

When we met with Dr. Young in December he explained the IVF process in his own words. He is not the best with words so his description was “we put the sperm in a dish and whack one of the sperm over the head to paralyze it and then we suck it up with a needle and insert it into the egg”. Seriously??? Did he just say they hit the sperm on the head and paralyze it?? Yes…he did. Then he told me all the drugs I would have to take and the shots I would have to give myself (or Andrew would have to give me). I went away from that appointment saying “I don’t think I can do this!” I cried...I cried to Andrew…I cried to my sister, but no one understood. It wasn’t the shots that freaked me out (I already get 4 allergy shots a week) and it wasn’t the tests and procedures either (it can’t be any worse than what I have already been through, right?). But it was the fact that I have no control over my body!

This isn’t normal. I am so young. What is wrong with me? I am screwed up! I am a failure. What did I do wrong? I am just a number. I am just a “case”. This isn’t the way it is “supposed” to be!!

I always thought this would be easy! They never tell you in health class that it may be difficult to get pregnant (I guess they probably shouldn’t tell you that *smile*). But now I have to trick my body with drugs, have my eggs ripped out of me, our baby made in a dish, and then put back inside me. Doesn’t sound right, does it? I am dreading the future when our child asks how he/she was made! HA

So now I am wrestling with if this is wrong or right to do. I know people do this all the time, but do they go through the same moral questions that I am? Is IVF for people who are impatient? Is IVF for people who have lost faith? Am I a bad person for wanting my own and not adopting (not saying we won’t adopt…just not right now)? Is God okay with IVF?

I will admit that these things have gone through my head. But then I think that God gave doctors the knowledge to help me. And Andrew and I have been blessed with the money to do this (more about this later). And really…that embryo STILL needs to implant inside of me so I guess God still has a part in that, right? And I guess He can choose if we get one or two (or possibly three or four if the embryos split…yikes!), right? And God will choose if I get to carry this baby to term, correct? So I guess things are still in His hands.

Don’t get me wrong….we ARE doing IVF. I am SO ready to do this!! The train has left the station and now I can see the light at the end of the tunnel (hopefully!). It is going to be a difficult 8-12 weeks, but I guess I will just hold on tight and see what happens.