Happy, sad, scared...oh my (emotions!)

Pregnancy is making me C-R-A-Z-Y!!! WOW…talk about a RoLLerCOastER of emotions!

-A week and a half ago we were ecstatic because we found out I am finally pregnant!! We can’t believe the moment has finally arrived for us to be blessed with a baby or babies!!

-On Tuesday we were sooo excited because my HCG blood level was 1010 and on Thursday it was 2282…really high numbers which could mean twins (or more…yikes!)

-I feel guilty that I am pregnant. Weird…I know…especially since we have been trying for soooo long. We know other couples who are struggling with infertility and from experience...it is never easy to find out someone else is pregnant so I feel bad telling them our news. Will they still want to be friends with us?? I think I am having a difficult time accepting that this is finally our time!

-Anxious for my first ultrasound on July 21st…will there be one baby or two? Or any?

-Exhausted all the time! Yesterday I took a 3 hour nap (I didn’t even wake up to my alarm) and then still went to bed 4 hours later! I never thought I would be this tired!

-Happy because Andrew is excited and optimistic about this pregnancy! He already has names picked out….Duncan, Cameron, Ferris and Sloan. I have vetoed every name so far!

-Nervous because I am 6 weeks pregnant today and last time I had a miscarriage around this time.

-I am concerned that I am not having more symptoms of morning sickness, etc. IF I am having twins…shouldn’t the symptoms be more severe?

-But…at the same time…I am thankful that I have felt pretty good so far!

-Sad because on Tuesday I started getting really bad cramps and I told Andrew that I felt like we lost one of the babies. Last week I was so confident that we had twins…and now I feel like there is only one. I sure hope I am wrong!

-THEN, yesterday (Friday) around 10:00AM I started bleeding which was eerily similar to my first miscarriage. I went through all the stages of grief….at first I was in denial saying “This is not happening! This can’t be happening again!!” Then I got angry and said some inappropriate angry things “Are you ¬_ _ _ _ _ _ _ kidding me?” Then I started bargaining with God “please God…don’t do this to me again….I will do ANYTHING!” Then I got depressed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed because I thought I was losing my babies. And then I finally accepted that there wasn’t anything I could do to stop it and crying wasn’t going to make it any better.

-Relieved because the bleeding stopped after a few hours! The nurse said it could be from “twins trying to make room in your uterus”, losing one of the babies, or Andrew thinks that the babies got in their first fight with each other :)

-Hopeful that we have two healthy babies on Thursday, but cautiously optimistic because I don’t want to get my hopes up too high!

-Grateful that we have such amazing friends and family supporting us and praying for us and our little embies.